I'm Nervous, Are You?

 Song of the Post: Laura - Bat For Lashes

I'm afraid okay? Just shut up!

I hate thinking about all the things I would do if I wasn't a scared little girl.

I hate thinking about my potential.

We were all born on third base, and I'm scared of people who think I hit a home run and ran all the way around to here. I hate the people who expect me to score the winning points.

I am a just a kid with average intelligence, and a Huge Imagination. 
Dumb people often mistake my imagination with intelligence but they're wrong. 
I have a good ACT score, but that's just because I know how to beat the system. I imagine myself as a test maker and do what they would do. 
I'm scared of my parents and my relatives who think I'm this smarty pants kid who is going places, 
BUT I WANT TO STAY RIGHT HERE. 
Forever.

I'm scared of places. New ones. 
I'm scared of panic attacks and I'm scared of when they'll happen and when they will stop, if they do. 
I'm scared of doctors because for someone who knows so much about my body, he doesn't know a damn thing about my heart. I'm scared of their cold hands. 
I'm scared of going to church sometimes because worthiness has always been an issue, for me I guess, I am afraid of people who don't take that worthiness thing seriously. There should be, like a test I guess.

I'm scared of being judged. I'm being hypocritical right now.
But that's how it works right?

I'm scared of my Dad, most days.

I'm scared my Mom is scared for me, all days.

I am terrified of being in front of people in a serious fashion.
I get uneasy at the fact that 99.9% of teachers are fascists and I'm scared I'm becoming one too.

I don't want high school to be my Glory Days, because these days are long and some are beautiful, but they are overshadowed by the shadow days. Those days are dark, and the only release is sleep and Mom.

me at our 30 year reunion: "personally i hated high school, I hated all of you and hope you rot in hell. Thank you." 
and I'll walk out like the fascist Git I've become. 
But I'll be being Honest. The real kind of honest.

The real kind of honesty that everyone here is scared of.

I'm scared like barbed wire and rain and rust. I'm scared like feet and rocks. I'm scared like hell. 

I'm scared somebody will read my journal. I'm scared of showing people what I make because of the one emotion we aren't born with. Shame. Why? What the heck. 

I'm scared you won't read this, and I'm scared that I'm running out of words to put down. 
I'm scared anyway. 

I'm afraid I'll never be able to escape me.

Love, Alex