Goddamn Heaven.

Song for this post: Boo - Pinback

My air has been pretty thick lately.

And I mean THICK. Black viscous oxygen. 

I've wrapped every finger I have around my chair that I've sat in, watching you all go on with your lives. You all go live your beautiful lives with you beautiful bodies breathing easy air.

White knuckled grasping my chair gasping.

They all left to foreign lands with cleaner air than mine. 

They left me with wracked lungs and bleeding lips.

I am left with my broken ankles and my blind eyes. 

You left me in hell searching for heaven.

I don't think I have anything against any of them, better off they may be. 

I don't even think they are selfish, that's why we're all here right? 

Gotta get into Heaven. Gotta get into Heaven. Gotta get into Heaven. Gotta get into Heaven. Gotta get into Heaven. Gotta get into Heaven. Gotta get into Heaven. Gotta get into Heaven. Gotta get into Heaven. Gotta get into Heaven. Gotta get into Heaven. Gotta get into Heaven. 

They're all just tryin' to get into Goddamn Heaven.

I just am so scared and tired of being alone. 

I know no one is really going to read this. Besides me and the big man.

He told me about you darling, the big man upstairs, he told me about your brown eyes and your dark long hair. I know about you and your love and I know what/who I need to be to get you. I've been searching for you literally 24/7. I have a sketch artist picture of you in my head and I cross search every face I see with the one of yours I have. I'm searching every day. I don't know why my feet are molasses and my mouth is old honey. You are the stars and the my world. 

I'm just the space beneath the stairs. 

I'm scared I started looking to early. I don't mean to be like this. 

I feel like I'm trying to watch a solar eclipse but I'm in Alaska and the Sun hasn't come up in 3 days and I'm dangerous. I'm always in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

In my closet in the fetal position say over and over again. "Holy Shit, Holy Shit, Where am I and what am I doing?" 

I'm the ghost of the boy I want to be.

I'm the shell of the boy I used to know well.

You're my heaven, and I'm just tryin' to get to you.

But I'm just in the fetal position in my closet. 

Left Behind and Lonely.